Let’s be real: most sex toy boxes are either trying to look like luxury skincare… or they scream “discreet massager” like you’re fooling anyone.

But once you open them up? You’re usually left with more questions than answers. What does “intense vibration” even mean? How loud is this thing? Does it sound like a purring kitten or a blender on high?

So, in the spirit of being helpful and honest, here’s what I wish sex toy packaging would actually tell us, because most of the time, it doesn’t.

🔇 1. How loud is it, really?

Packaging loves to say “whisper quiet,” but some of these so-called whispers could wake your upstairs neighbor. And if you’ve ever turned on a toy expecting a gentle hum and instead got what sounded like a tiny weed whacker, you know what I mean.

Honestly, I’d rather see something like: “Loud enough to hear in the same room, safe for a bathroom quickie.” Or even better, give us a decibel range, because “whisper quiet” means nothing when you’re trying not to alert the entire apartment.

What it should say: “Louder than your toothbrush, quieter than a Magic Wand. Okay with thin walls, but maybe not dead silent.”

⚡ 2. Buzz vs. Rumble (and why it matters)

Here’s the deal: not all vibrations are created equal. Buzzy toys have that surface-level, high-frequency feel that can be overwhelming or numbing, especially for sensitive clits. Rumbly toys? They dig deep. They’re the ones that make your whole body go, “Ohhh yes” and leave you floppy and smiling afterward.

The problem is, most packaging just says “powerful vibrations” and leaves it at that. But what kind of power are we talking? Sharp and tingly or deep and thuddy?

What it should say: “Delivers deep, thuddy rumbles perfect for sensitive users,” or “Sharp, buzzy intensity for those who like surface-level zing.”

🔋 3. Battery info that actually means something

“USB rechargeable” is the new standard, but what they don’t tell you is how often you’ll be cursing the heavens mid-session because your toy died at the worst possible time. A charge time and a run time aren’t just nice to know, they’re need to know.

Also, can we normalize toys that work while charging? Because sometimes you’re in the mood now, not in an hour.

What it should say: “Charges fully in 60 minutes, runs up to 90 minutes on low settings. Can be used while charging (bless).”

💧 4. How waterproof is it, shower-safe or bath-proof?

There is a big difference between water-resistant and waterproof. One lets you take your toy into a steamy shower, the other lets you get freaky in the tub or hot tub. That little water drop icon on the box? Not helpful.

You deserve to know if this toy can float alongside your bath bubbles or if it’s going to die a tragic watery death because you misunderstood “splash proof.”

What it should say: “Fully submersible, take it in the tub, no problem.”
or
“Water-resistant only. Shower is fine. Submerging? Not recommended.”

🌡️ 5. What the intensity levels feel like

Some toys promise 10 speeds, but let’s be honest: half of them feel the same and the rest are either too soft to notice or way too strong right away. And if a toy starts at “whoa” and ends at “holy hell,” beginners might be turned off before they even get started.

Wouldn’t it be better if boxes said stuff like “starts gentle, ideal for foreplay” or “skip level 10 unless you’re in beast mode”?

What it should say: “Smooth escalation with noticeable changes at each level. Starts soft, ends strong without overwhelming.”

🌈 6. What type of stimulation it’s best at

Some toys are great for pinpoint clit play. Others are more about general coverage and broad stimulation. And then there are the ones that claim they do everything but end up doing nothing well. If I’m buying a toy, I want to know its superpower so I can match it to what my body actually wants.

If a toy is made for teasing or edging, say that. If it’s best for full-contact vulva play, be proud. Let the packaging reflect the real experience.

What it should say: “Best for direct clitoral contact and intense, focused stimulation” or “Wide surface contact for external pleasure without needing precision.”

🧼 7. How to clean it (for real)

That tiny faucet symbol or vague “wash with soap and water” line? Not enough. I need to know: Can I boil it? Use toy cleaner? Is it safe for sharing if I sanitize it?

More info means better hygiene, longer toy life and way less anxiety about doing something wrong.

What it should say: “Clean with warm water and unscented soap. Use toy cleaner if desired. Do not boil. Safe for solo and partnered use when properly cleaned.”

💬 Final Thoughts:

Toys are amazing, but figuring them out shouldn’t be a guessing game. Especially when you’re a beginner, you deserve real info, not just pretty boxes and vague promises.

So until brands catch up and give us the real specs we need, we’ll keep talking about it here. Because your pleasure deserves more than a product description written by someone who’s never used it.